The weepy person in the prayer group.

Decades ago, in my previous church, I led the prayer group a few months. At that time we got a new regular attendee, who’d come pray with us every Wednesday. And every time she prayed, sang, or otherwise interacted with God, she cried.

A lot.

We’re not talking misty eyes, or a few tears rolling down her face. Lots of Christians pray with our eyes closed, and you’ll naturally get tears when you squeeze ’em tight—but nope, this wasn’t that either. We’re talking full-on snotty blubbering. Like her child just died.

That first prayer meeting she attended, the women of our prayer meeting gathered round her, hugged her, prayed for God to comfort her, asked God to help whatever had her so sorrowful, and asked whether there was anything they could do. Took ’em the rest of the prayer meeting. And then some! I had to stick around afterward as they tried to minister to her, ’cause I had to lock the building. I didn’t get home till 10PM.

The next week: Same deal. We came to pray, and so did she. Next thing you know, she’s bawling and moaning, and the women are trying to comfort her again, and we again went overtime doing so.

The third week: One woman went over to pray with and comfort her. The rest were telling me, “Oh, she has some serious emotional issues. She needs therapy, not prayer.”

Fourth week, all the women just let her go off in a corner of the chapel to wail.

Some of you who are reading this, think this sounds just awful of us. Hey, if I were a newbie Christian, I’d think the very same thing. She’s coming to us for help, and we’re pushing her aside? Bad Christians!

Except we didn’t push her aside. We tried to help. The women who realized she needed therapy, tried to get her therapy. Found her a therapist who’d see her. Tried to line up an appointment. (Money wasn’t an issue; our church had the resources.) But the weepy person was having none of that. So the women were done—like exhausted parents who give up on trying to get their infant to sleep in her own bed, and just leave the baby in the room to cry it out. They realized they weren’t actually helping; that she didn’t want actual help. So they stopped.

A psychologist friend explained it best: You know how some people feel much better after having a good cry? That’s largely what this woman was doing.

Here’s what’s wrong with her behavior. What also made her feel much better, was having a crowd of Christians console her. And it’s not our job to do that! In fact it’s emotionally draining when we try to do that. None of the women who prayed over her, felt better about things after Wednesday was done; they worried about her all week long. Betcha she didn’t worry about them any. She just came back to get their comfort again, and again… until they realized she’s basically an emotional vampire, and decided they were done being drained.

It’s not our job to console such people; it’s God’s. He has infinite energy for that. He can actually touch us where we need healing.

I’ve seen this phenomenon a number of times since. No, such people don’t necessarily need therapy and medication. But what they’re doing is wholly inappropriate. We’re supposed to take our lamentation to God, and the Holy Spirit is supposed to do the comforting. Instead they take their emotions to us, and drain us like emotional leeches. Humans aren’t equipped to do this! We either cry along, and get just as ruined; or we clamp up and step away in self-defense… and get accused of being cold, unsympathetic, and compassionless.

Dealing with such people.

When these people show up in your prayer groups, or your Sunday morning services, or randomly appear at the church on some weekday and wanna weep all over the pastors, we should at the very least try to get them proper help.

And I know; many longterm Christians who’ve seen this happen quite a lot, are likely rolling their eyes and groaning, “Ugh. We really don’t. They just need to get back on their meds.” Yeah, you can shut up now. We don’t know whether they’re unmedicated or not, or stoned or not. We need to find that out first, and quit leaping to snap judgments, like the truly awful head priest Eli did with Hannah.

1 Samuel 1.12-17 GNT

12Hannah continued to pray to the LORD for a long time, and Eli watched her lips. 13She was praying silently; her lips were moving, but she made no sound. So Eli thought that she was drunk, 14and he said to her, “Stop making a drunken show of yourself! Stop your drinking and sober up!”

15“No, I'm not drunk, sir,” she answered. “I haven't been drinking! I am desperate, and I have been praying, pouring out my troubles to the LORD. 16Don't think I am a worthless woman. I have been praying like this because I'm so miserable.”

17“Go in peace,” Eli said, “and may the God of Israel give you what you have asked him for.”

We can see from other parts of 1 Samuel that Eli was a lousy judge of character, and presuming silent prayer means you’re drunk is just another example of it. Presuming weepy prayer automatically means you’ve come to church looking for Christians to make you feel better, is yet again being a lousy judge of character. That may be the case. And it may not be. We gotta get to know these people, and then discern the situation. We gotta ask the Holy Spirit, who can steer us the right direction if we’ve deduced wrong.

In many cases God will enlist the aid of us Christians. Someone needs a physical hug; we can do that! Someone is too overwrought to listen to God, so he has one of his prophets say something comforting to them. Someone needs resources—they need work, need therapy, need food, need medical attention, need a lawyer, can’t pay rent, can’t pay bills, can’t fix the car, or anything else which doesn’t require supernatural intervention: We can do something. Usually that’s why God drops such people on us. He wants us to step up!

And in some cases, yeah, it’s someone selfishly seeking attention so they can feel better. Wanting comfort from people, not God. And that’s not right.

Every case is different. Figure out which one you’re dealing with, and don’t just presume it’s one where we needn’t get involved.

Is it you?

In one case, the weepy person in the prayer group was simply a new Christian who didn’t have the best hold on his emotions. That’s actually quite common among newbies. Gentleness, the ability to control our emotion, is one of the Spirit’s fruit—and it stands to reason if you’re only just learning to become fruitful, you’re gonna be gentleness-deficient. Darn near everything is gonna make you cry. (Or rage. Or despair. Or panic. And so forth.)

But there’s nothing wrong with weepy prayer! When we’re sad, in pain, suffering, or depressed, we should cry out to God. And if we feel like crying, there’s nothing wrong with that either.

Lamentation is a legitimate form of prayer. Frankly, if we can’t bring our hurts to God, same as our joys, our prayer life sucks. And the devil’s gonna take advantage and pile on the hurts—and try to get us so hurt, we never talk to God.

Likewise there’s nothing wrong with sharing our sorrows with fellow Christians, so they can pray for us too. In fact there’s plenty of good reasons to do so. Sometimes they can help! At the very least they can petition God.

But if you’re saving that behavior for the prayer group—you’re not engaging in weepy prayers during your own personal prayer time, but you’re bringing that stuff to the prayer group so others can make you feel better—that’s selfish and inappropriate. It’s like praying in tongues too loud. You’re hogging the focus of the group, and hijacking their emotions. Stop that.

If you can’t get hold of your emotions, you’re not yet ready to join a prayer group. Or if you’re going through some serious personal stuff, and now everything makes you cry, you need to step away from ministry for a while and work on yourself. And don’t forget to share with the group why you’re stepping away, and have them pray for you! Pray for God to help tighten up your self-control, and grant you peace and joy.