Armageddon.

ARMAGEDDON ɑr.mə'ɡɛ.d(ə)n noun. The last battle between good and evil before Judgment Day.

2. A dramatic, catastrophic conflict, likely to destroy humanity or the world.

3. The hill of Megiddo, an ancient city in northwestern Israel, south of present-day Haifa.

Revelation 16.12-16, 19.19-21, 20.7-10.

Whenever the United States goes to war in the middle east, American would-be “prophecy scholars” start talking about the biblical “Battle of Armageddon.” Oddly they never talk about Armageddon when other countries go to war in the middle east—when Saudi Arabia bombs Yemen, or Türkiye tries to annihilate Kurds, or Sudan or Syria has a civil war, or Islamic State terrorists try to fight anybody and everybody. It’s only when the United States or Israel get mixed up in things. It’s because these two specific countries are a big part of their End Times timelines.

Yep, even though the United States, or for that matter the entire western hemisphere, isn’t in the bible. At all. Anywhere. But these American “scholars” simply can’t imagine a future in which they and their homeland is not a big deal, so they shoehorn themselves into the End Times wherever possible. It’s why a majority of the characters in the Left Behind novels are American. But I digress.

Let’s first sort out what the “Battle of Armageddon” is, and of course I began this article with the dictionary definition. Next, the scripture which references it. This is part of John’s vision in Revelation of seven angels emptying saucers of “God’s anger” upon the earth. Rv 16.1. The sixth angel does so, and here’s what follows.

Revelation 16.12-16 KWL

12The sixth pours its saucer over the great river Euphrates,

and its water dries up

so the road might be prepared

for the kings of the eastern sun.

13I see, from the dragon’s mouth

and the beast’s mouth

and the fake prophet’s mouth

three unclean spirits,

like frogs.

14For the spirits are of the demons

which do “miracles,”

which come out of all the civilization’s kings

to gather them in the war

on the great day of Almighty God.

15“Look, I come like a thief.

How awesome for those awake,

guarding their clothing,

so they might not walk naked,

and might see themselves disgraced.”

16God gathers the kings

in the place called הַר מְגִדּוֹן/har-Megiddón in Hebrew.

Various preachers will claim Armageddon is “the plains of Megiddo” or “the valley of Megiddo,” 2Ch 35.22, Zc 12.11 but nope; הַר/har means “mountain, hill.” They’re not meeting on the plain, for battle; they’re meeting at the hill, to have a conference. To be fair, maybe they’re gathering to plan a battle, but any actual fighting takes place in other parts of Revelation, which I’ll get to. And these battles aren’t necessarily at Megiddo. Nor near Megiddo, nor anywhere around Megiddo. The first battle might not even be in Israel.

The ancient city of Megiddo was ultimately built on this hill, which is actually a tell, a hill which consists of all the previous civilizations which were built on that spot. When the ancients knocked down a building—or conquerers knocked it down for them—they simply flattened the rubble, then built something new on top. Keep doing this for hundreds of years, and you wind up on top of a hill. A hill is not a useful place for a battle; armies prefer plains, especially really big armies. Hence all the preachers who insist Armageddon is the valley of Megiddo, even though John quite obviously says it’s the hill.

Why Megiddo? Well it was along the major trade route between Europe, Africa, and Asia. People would travel through it to get to the other continents. Because of its strategic importance, different empires wanted to control it, so they conquered it throughout ancient history. Egypt owned it at the time of the Exodus. Then the Philistines fought them for it and eventually took it; then the Israelis under David took it; then the Assyrian Empire got it when they took northern Israel in 732BC; then Egypt conquered it again in 609BC. By the time the neo-Babylonian Empire conquered the area in 587BC, Megiddo had been abandoned. By Jesus’s day it was just a heap of ruins about 23km away from Nazareth. Someplace which used to be important, which no longer was, and was never rebuilt. Still isn’t.

So why would the kings go there? Not sure. Maybe the symbolism of being at an important trade route; maybe the symbolism of being someplace which used to be a big deal. Maybe because armageddon sounds like it begins with the Greek word ἅρμα/árma, “chariot,” and John was trying to make a pun and went over our heads. End times prognosticators think it’s because other major battles happened in the valley of Megiddo, so history’s just repeating itself. But again: Hill of Megiddo. Not valley. And no battle.

No, seriously: When’s Jesus returning? He’s taking forever!

2 Peter 3.1-9.

I’ve been writing about the scriptures on Jesus’s second advent, or second coming. And of course I had to point out we don’t know when that’ll be. The events which were meant to come before his return, happened. There’s nothing left to hinder it—so it can happen at any time.

This being the case, people want that day to be today. Right now. ’Cause they’re suffering, or ’cause current events are awful, or ’cause they’re in a hurry to live under Jesus’s direct rule. Either way, come Lord Jesus! But he hasn’t yet.

And sometimes people give up hope of him ever returning. Which was the mindset Simon Peter had to deal with in his second letter.

2 Peter 3.1-4 KWL

1 Now this, beloved: I wrote you a second letter in which I awaken you to a purely-thought reminder—

2 to remember the words the holy prophets and your apostles foretold,

commands of our Master and Savior.

3 Know this first: In the last days, mockers will come to mock,

following however their own desires are going, 4 saying,

“How’s the promise of his second coming meant to work?—since the church fathers died over it,

same as everyone continues to die from the beginning of creation.”

See, the expectation of the first Christians was—same as now—that Jesus could return at any time. During their lifetimes, they expected. They hoped. They waited. If anyone’d told them Jesus still wouldn’t return for more than 20 centuries, I doubt they’d believe it. (Of course, if you spoke to them now, from their vantage point in paradise I’m pretty sure they have a better idea of what Jesus is up to.)

But you know how impatient humans can get. Even in the first century, they were taking crap from those naysayers who were wondering just how much time Jesus needed to put together his heavenly invasion. After all, the first generation of Christians were dying off. And didn’t Jesus say they’d live to see his return? Mk 13.30, Mt 24.34, Lk 21.32 (Not really. But you know how people will take any hint and just go nuts with it. Jn 21.22-23)

So part of the reason Simon wrote 2 Peter was to remind his readers of their original conviction. 2Pe 3.1 Either you trust what the prophets and apostles taught you, or you don’t. And they did warn us about naysayers, who follow their own urges instead of God’s messengers, 2Pe 3.3 who spin the second coming till it suits them better. Sometimes by imagining Jesus never will come; that instead we all die and go to him. Sometimes by creating intricate seven-year tribulational scenarios. However they work.