The “𝘗𝘳𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘣𝘴 31 woman.”

PROVERBS 31 WOMAN 'prɑ.vərbz 'θɜr.di 'wʌn 'wʊ.mən noun. A productive woman, like the ideal wife described in Proverbs 31.

2. A compliment offered to a valued wife. (Whether or not she matches the woman of Proverbs 31.)

Among many Christians, the ultimate compliment you can pay your wife is to call her a “Proverbs 31 woman.”

Properly, it means she meets the bible’s standard for an ideal wife. (More specifically, Lemuel’s mother’s standard; more about Lemuel and his mom in a bit.) And since people don’t bother to read their bibles, Christians included, they really just mean she’s a good Christian. Whether she’s anything like the Proverbs 31 passage is a whole other deal.

Yeah, I’ll quote the passage. It’s not the whole of the chapter; it’s just this bit.

Proverbs 31.10-31 KWL

10A capable woman! Who’s found one?

She‘s worth far more than rubies.

11Her husband’s heart trusts her,

and he has no shortage of loot.

12 She pays him back with good, not evil, all her life’s days.

13She asks for wool and flax.

She’s happy to work with her hands.

14She’s like a merchant ship:

She imports food.

15She rises when it’s still night.

She provides meat for her house and her employees.

16She organizes a field.

She plants a vineyard with the fruit of her hands.

17She belts herself with strength.

She makes her arms strong.

18She tastes her merchandise to make sure it’s good.

Her lamp isn’t put out at night.

19She puts her hands on the spindle.

Her palms hold the distaff.

20Her palms spread for the humble.

Her hands reach out to the needy.

21She doesn’t fear snow for her household:

All her house are warmly clothed in red.

22She knits herself tapestries.

Her clothing is purple.

23Her husband is recognized at the city gates.

He sits with the land’s elders.

24She makes and sells tunics.

She gives belts to Canaanites.

25Her clothing is strength and honor.

She will relax in days to come.

26Her mouth is opened in wisdom.

The Law of kindness is on her tongue.

27She watches the goings-on of her house.

She doesn’t eat bread idly.

28Her children rise and call her happy.

Her husband praises her:

29“Many daughters do well,

but you surpass all of them!”

30Grace can be false.

Loveliness is useless.

A woman who respects the LORD will be praised.

31Give her back the fruit of her hands,

and her deeds will praise her in the city gates.

Check it out. Only once does her devotion to God come up; in verse 30. But no doubt her good deeds are the result of loving God and wanting to excel for his sake. Even so, the bulk of this passage is about the fact this woman works. Works hard. Gets stuff done, and does it well.

She’s not a stay-at-home mom!

American Christians tend to use “Proverbs 31 woman” to describe a devout stay-at-home mom. A woman who manages to raise her kids, do the housework, do various home-improvement projects, cook every meal, and somehow have a profitable side project going. (Like TikTok videos explaining just how on earth she does all her tradwife stuff without the aid of dangerous narcotic stimulants. Just wine. Lots of wine.)

Of course this depiction is just a 20th century concept. Yes, I’m fully aware we live in the 21st; that’s how out-of-time, and simultaneously out-of-date, it is. Don’t get me wrong; being a stay-at-home mom is a legitimately hard job. So’s being a working mom. All these ladies deserve respect for keeping their families functional. But this isn’t that!

Remember, Lemuel was a king. Scholars guess he was Edomite, ’cause there are no Israeli kings with that name, and Edomites worshiped the LORD same as the Israelites—which is to say, badly. But some were devout, like Job. And Edomites likewise spoke Hebrew, and likewise knew God’s commands.

Lemuel’s mom was no doubt the queen mother, and no doubt she strove to do all these same things while raising him. And had help!—Proverbs 31 describes a woman who has a household staff. Whom she personally supervises. And Lemuel’s mom isn’t one of those idle duchesses who dabble in hobbies while the staff does all the work: She works too. She’s a businesswoman.

Lemuel’s mom was trying to give him an idea of the sort of woman he oughta have in his harem. Yes, I said harem. Both ancient Edom and ancient Israel were patriarchal cultures, in which men were permitted multiple wives, and if they were rich they definitely had more than one. Kings tended to accumulate large harems; they could afford to! But contrary to many people’s ideas about how harems worked, the women weren’t expected to lounge around in luxury, be fanned by eunuchs while they ate figs all day so they could poop themselves thin (yes that’s why; yes that’s gross), and await their husband’s rare attention. The women had children, and were expected to manage their children. Supervise the kids’ nurses and tutors. Supervise their own servants. Sometimes they had additional duties.

Some scholars wonder whether “A capable woman! Who’s found one?” implies the answer is no. I doubt it. Lemuel’s mother was likely describing her own experience. Lemuel wouldn’t have kept, and spread, her advice otherwise.

His mom describes the capable woman as producing fabric and fine-quality clothing. As preparing food for not just herself, but the servants. As designing and planting a vineyard. As earning enough money to cover her household’s needs: This wife doesn’t need an allowance from her husband. She earns so much, she can afford to give to the needy too.

Her character is largely implied by her actions: She’s not idle. She doesn’t settle for inferior product. She plans ahead. She takes care of herself. She’s an able complement to her husband, who with her children praises her for her deeds.

Lemuel was expected to not just find such women to marry, but to give them the honor they deserved. Such wives would be of great value to their community, and particularly to him. His value would increase because of such a wife. He ought never take her for granted. He should be so productive.

How literally do people mean it?

So yeah, when people describe the women they know as a “Proverbs 31 woman,” they aren’t always describing a productive woman. They tend to only mean a devout one. Who appears to have her act together when it comes to raising her kids and running her house. Ha!—if they only knew.

Like I said, people don’t read their bibles. So they’ve never seriously studied Proverbs 31. They just know the saying describes a good woman. They know what they think is a good woman, so they call a woman that once she meets their ideals. If a man is perfectly happy with a wife who feeds him, makes sure the house and his clothes are clean, and is there for him whenever he wants her, he’ll call her “my Proverbs 31 woman.” There, that’s a good Christian-sounding compliment.

Likewise a woman’s fellow Christians will call their friend “a Proverbs 31 woman,” by which they mean she’s as devout as they. And appears to have the rest of her life in order… but mostly they mean she’s devout. She follows Jesus. She shares their views on moral issues. She shares their politics. Whether she gives to charity like the literal woman in this passage does, kinda depends on whether her friends likewise give to charity. Otherwise they ignore it.

So yeah, a “Proverbs 31 woman” in popular Christian culture tends to be a bit of an empty compliment. They’re trying to say she’s a good woman; they’re trying to say it in a superlative way; they’ve missed the point of Proverbs 31 in the process. They don’t even know the point.

The point is the immense value of a hard-working woman who supports her family and community. And y’know, that’s not just a good compliment to make of a woman. It works for a man too. It’s just you’re not gonna hear a lot of Christians talking about being “a good Proverbs 31 man.” Not just because they’d be weirded out by making this passage gender-neutral, but because (sad to say) not a lot of men meet this standard. Oh, they’re good at work, good with kids, but suck at housekeeping. Or one of the other things falls by the wayside. But every husband and father should strive to be a good Proverbs 31 type man. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.