“Wives, be subject to your husbands.”

1 Peter 3.1-7.

Just after Simon Peter addresses how household servants oughta live under difficult masters, next he deals with how wives oughta live under difficult husbands. And again, he’s speaking to people in a different culture, in the Roman Empire, where women lacked rights and couldn’t always escape their tyrannical spouses. They’d be suffering in the very same way a slave would under a despotic master. Does God care about them too, and have grace for them too? Of course he does.

And of course tyrannical spouses misuse this passage, and claim it justifies all their evil. It does not. Plenty of other scriptures warn ’em God doesn’t approve. Peter warns ’em too, in verse 7. In no way does any part of this passage negate those other passages, and in no way should you trust any pastor who suggests otherwise.

1 Peter 3.1-7 KWL

1Likewise you² women submitting

to your² own men

—and if a certain man doesn’t obey the word,

perhaps they’ll be won over without the word

through the lifestyle of their women,

2seeing their holy lifestyle

in fear.

3About them:

Don’t be externally like the world—

with elaborately braided hair,

decorated with gold,

or dressing in conspicuous clothing.

4Instead be like a private, thoughtful person,

looking into the incorruptible things

of a gentle, quiet spirit,

who is precious in God’s sight.

5For holy women who hope in God

lived this way at some point,

arranging themselves in submission

to their own men,

6like Sarah listened to Abraham

and calls him Master.

You² who do good deeds are her daughters,

and aren’t afraid of anything startling.

7You² men likewise—

living with your² women

with the understanding

that they’re like a weak utensil;

showing them honor

like they’re your² fellow heirs of living grace

—lest your² prayers be cut off.

I should remind you: Most bibles tend to translate women and men (Greek γυναῖκες/yinékes and ἄνδρες/ándres) as “wives” and “husbands.” Contextually, that’s usually what the New Testament authors meant. But not always. A patriarch was responsible for all the women of his house, whether they were married to him or not; this’d include unmarried sisters and daughters, widowed mothers-in-law, and any other family members under his protection, and of course household servants and slaves. They’d also be “his” women—and for the women, he’d be “their” man. They wouldn’t be married; they’d be in no sexual relationship (or at least they really ought not be!) but as the ruler of the family, they were expected to heed his authority and wisdom, and he was expected to take them into consideration and not act unilaterally. Did they always do this? Nah. Hence Peter’s need to remind ’em to do so.

Like most people dictating their letters, Peter uses some run-on sentences, out-of-place clauses, and forgets to use verbs. Makes translation and interpretation tricky—but not impossible! What he’s basically saying is: Christian women, be a good devout example for your crummy men. They may not listen to God’s word, but maybe despite this, they’ll listen to you; they’ll respect you, and be won over by your Christlike behavior. Hey, it’s been known to happen!

This isn’t a biblical promise; it’s wisdom literature.

Too often I’ve heard this passage misinterpreted as “a promise of God”—that when women live devout, holy lifestyles, they will bring their men to Jesus. It’s in the bible, so it’s guaranteed. This will happen.

And when it doesn’t—when a woman spends her entire life providing a good devout example for her husband, but he fritters away his life as a selfish, good-for-nothing pagan, and dies unrepentant—the woman is devastated. ’Cause she pinned her whole life to that “promise of God,” and it didn’t come to pass, and for all she knows her beloved but crummy husband is now burning in hell. And she did so much to lead that man to Jesus. Was it all in vain? But… but… she was promised it wasn’t!

Well no, she was promised no such thing. Because Peter wasn’t making promises to his readers. He wasn’t doing Jesus’s “Verily I say unto you,” Mt 18.3 KJV in which Jesus guaranteed what he says is true. He’s writing wisdom literature, and wisdom is situational: All things being equal, this is usually true. But sometimes you’re in an odd situation, so in your particular case it’s not true. Sometimes nothing happens. Sometimes time and chance happen instead. Ec 9.11 Sometimes everything comes to nothing, and it’s all vanity. Ec 1.2 And you’re meant to use your wisdom and figure out whether this passage applies to your situation. Perhaps you’re married to a hard-hearted man who never will repent unless the Holy Spirit does something drastic, and it’s your job to pray the Spirit does precisely that. Not just be an actively good example.

This doesn’t mean Christian women shouldn’t still live devout lives! Of course they should. We all should. Y’never know who you might be encouraging, and nudging closer to Jesus. Might be your man… or your kids, your neighbors, your coworkers, that random person you met in Costco, whomever. Might be reminding fellow Christians to follow Jesus better. Stick to Jesus no matter what—not just because it might win over a specific loved one.

Anyway that’s why I deliberately inserted the word “perhaps” in verse 1. No, it’s not in the original text; it’s implied by the fact the apostles’ teachings are all wisdom literature. But sometimes we gotta make this fact plain as day. Because too many people are putting false hopes in this scripture, calling it a “promise of God” when it’s not, and when it proves to not be, their faith gets upended for no good reason. “God didn’t keep his promise to me; is he even real?” Well I would hope you’ve had enough God-experiences to know of course he’s real. But you’ve been misled about what he has and hasn’t promised, and it’s not him you oughta be angry with; that’d be the numbnuts who falsely told you this passage is a promise.

Oh, and don’t forget to double-check all the other so-called “promises” you hang your hat on. Chances are they’ve misled you about those passages too.

Well-behaved Christian women. And men.

Roman women were the same as people round the world: If they had the disposable income, they’d want nice things for themselves, and wanna look good… or at least better than their neighbors. They’d spend hours making their hair look good—yep, exactly like women who have to go to the salon every week, who have to change their hairstyle on a frequent basis. Plenty of men do this too; let’s not let them off the hook. But you’ll notice all this focus on one’s external appearance almost always coincides with a shallow character, and character is what we Christians oughta spend way more of our time (and money!) primping. Keep growing good fruit!

I remind you “submit” does not mean “obey,” but “take into consideration.” Christian women and men are instructed to submit to one another, Ep 5.21 and obviously this can’t work if submission is obedience. The idea is we’re not to be selfish, and think only of ourselves; think about the other people in your household! Think about your spouse. Love your spouse. Follow the Golden Rule with your spouse—do as you’d have them do to you. If it’d make you absolutely nuts if your spouse spent a crazy amount of money without taking you into consideration, don’t do that to them! If you’d absolutely love it if your spouse would [DO SOME ICKY CHORE] for you, do something similar for them. Be gracious and generous to your spouse. Stop taking ’em for granted.

And that’s why Peter follows up his instruction to Christian women, with verse 7 addressed to Christian men. Men, submit to your wives—take them into consideration as well. Remember they’re “like a weak utensil” (KJV “as unto the weaker vessel”)—they can’t physically do everything men usually can. In my experience, women are mentally tougher than men, so I’m pretty sure Peter was only addressing their physical strength. And just as you use a screwdriver, not a nail file, to turn screws, likewise you can’t expect the women of your household to do as much as the men of your household can.

Lastly Peter gives a warning: “Lest your prayers be cut off.” Because if you don’t take your women into consideration, if you’re exploiting or abusing them, if you’re following the practices of our sexist culture instead of Jesus, who empowers them same as he does men, you’re defying God. He warns us to not take advantage of other people Lv 25.17 and help them out where we can, Is 1.17 and that includes the “weak utensils” of our households. Defying God is the fastest way to get him to stop listening to you. But repenting is the fastest way to get him back. Treat your women right.