Armageddon.

ARMAGEDDON ɑr.mə'ɡɛ.d(ə)n noun. The last battle between good and evil before Judgment Day.

2. A dramatic, catastrophic conflict, likely to destroy humanity or the world.

3. The hill of Megiddo, an ancient city in northwestern Israel, south of present-day Haifa.

Revelation 16.12-16, 19.19-21, 20.7-10.

Whenever the United States goes to war in the middle east, American would-be “prophecy scholars” start talking about the biblical “Battle of Armageddon.” Oddly they never talk about Armageddon when other countries go to war in the middle east—when Saudi Arabia bombs Yemen, or Türkiye tries to annihilate Kurds, or Sudan or Syria has a civil war, or Islamic State terrorists try to fight anybody and everybody. It’s only when the United States or Israel get mixed up in things. It’s because these two specific countries are a big part of their End Times timelines.

Yep, even though the United States, or for that matter the entire western hemisphere, isn’t in the bible. At all. Anywhere. But these American “scholars” simply can’t imagine a future in which they and their homeland is not a big deal, so they shoehorn themselves into the End Times wherever possible. It’s why a majority of the characters in the Left Behind novels are American. But I digress.

Let’s first sort out what the “Battle of Armageddon” is, and of course I began this article with the dictionary definition. Next, the scripture which references it. This is part of John’s vision in Revelation of seven angels emptying saucers of “God’s anger” upon the earth. Rv 16.1. The sixth angel does so, and here’s what follows.

Revelation 16.12-16 KWL

12The sixth pours its saucer over the great river Euphrates,

and its water dries up

so the road might be prepared

for the kings of the eastern sun.

13I see, from the dragon’s mouth

and the beast’s mouth

and the fake prophet’s mouth

three unclean spirits,

like frogs.

14For the spirits are of the demons

which do “miracles,”

which come out of all the civilization’s kings

to gather them in the war

on the great day of Almighty God.

15“Look, I come like a thief.

How awesome for those awake,

guarding their clothing,

so they might not walk naked,

and might see themselves disgraced.”

16God gathers the kings

in the place called הַר מְגִדּוֹן/har-Megiddón in Hebrew.

Various preachers will claim Armageddon is “the plains of Megiddo” or “the valley of Megiddo,” 2Ch 35.22, Zc 12.11 but nope; הַר/har means “mountain, hill.” They’re not meeting on the plain, for battle; they’re meeting at the hill, to have a conference. To be fair, maybe they’re gathering to plan a battle, but any actual fighting takes place in other parts of Revelation, which I’ll get to. And these battles aren’t necessarily at Megiddo. Nor near Megiddo, nor anywhere around Megiddo. The first battle might not even be in Israel.

The ancient city of Megiddo was ultimately built on this hill, which is actually a tell, a hill which consists of all the previous civilizations which were built on that spot. When the ancients knocked down a building—or conquerers knocked it down for them—they simply flattened the rubble, then built something new on top. Keep doing this for hundreds of years, and you wind up on top of a hill. A hill is not a useful place for a battle; armies prefer plains, especially really big armies. Hence all the preachers who insist Armageddon is the valley of Megiddo, even though John quite obviously says it’s the hill.

Why Megiddo? Well it was along the major trade route between Europe, Africa, and Asia. People would travel through it to get to the other continents. Because of its strategic importance, different empires wanted to control it, so they conquered it throughout ancient history. Egypt owned it at the time of the Exodus. Then the Philistines fought them for it and eventually took it; then the Israelis under David took it; then the Assyrian Empire got it when they took northern Israel in 732BC; then Egypt conquered it again in 609BC. By the time the neo-Babylonian Empire conquered the area in 587BC, Megiddo had been abandoned. By Jesus’s day it was just a heap of ruins about 23km away from Nazareth. Someplace which used to be important, which no longer was, and was never rebuilt. Still isn’t.

So why would the kings go there? Not sure. Maybe the symbolism of being at an important trade route; maybe the symbolism of being someplace which used to be a big deal. Maybe because armageddon sounds like it begins with the Greek word ἅρμα/árma, “chariot,” and John was trying to make a pun and went over our heads. End times prognosticators think it’s because other major battles happened in the valley of Megiddo, so history’s just repeating itself. But again: Hill of Megiddo. Not valley. And no battle.

But… the battle! There’s supposed to be a battle!

Oh, there’s a final End Times battle. Two of them, in fact.

The first happens a few chapters later in Revelation, as part of Christ Jesus’s second coming, in which he appears in the clouds, sitting on a white horse, Rv 19.11 followed by an army in white linen on white horses. (White’s a theme he’s going with.) That army doesn’t do much though; Jesus does it all, and it’s ridiculously one-sided. He is, after all, almighty.

Revelation 19.19-21 KWL

19I see the beast, the kings of the land,

and their armies,

gathered to make war

upon the One sitting on the horse

and his army.

20The beast is captured.

With him, the fake prophet who does “miracles” before him.

By these “miracles” he misleads

those who accept the beast’s mark

and those who worship his ikon.

The two are thrown, alive,

into the fiery pool of burning sulfur.

21The rest are put to death

by the sword of the One sitting on the horse,

which comes out of his mouth.

All the birds feed on their flesh.

Gory. But remember, Revelation consists of apocalyptic visions which aren’t meant to be taken literally, no matter how much the “prophecy scholars” insist they must be. Jesus is gonna defeat his foes, but while he has every right to execute them and leave their corpses as rubbish for scavenger birds to eat, I sincerely doubt he’ll literally do this. Ancient armies left their dead foes for the birds as a form of petty humiliation. Jesus is not petty. But this passage suggests they will feel humiliated—because they actually trusted the beast and fake prophet, and actually thought they could stand up to Jesus. And Jesus so easily overthrew those two, they’d feel like absolute fools. As they should.

The next chapter also tells of his second coming, in which the saints come to life and help Jesus rule the world for a millennium, and the devil goes into the abyss during this time. After the millennium, it gets out and tries to muster another army to defeat Jesus, made up of all the people who apparently didn’t enjoy Jesus’s millennial reign all that much. Various folks claim this is the “battle of Armageddon” too… because after all, the battle of Revelation 19 isn’t said to happen at Armageddon either.

Revelation 20.7-10 KWL

7When the thousand years end,

Satan will be loosed from its prison

8and will go forth to deceive the gentiles

which are in the four corners of the land—

“Gog” and “Magóg”—

to gather them for war.

Their number is like the sand of the sea.

9Their army will go up to the plain of the land,

and encircle the saints’ camp

and the beloved city.

Fire will come down from God, from heaven,

and will consume them.

10The devil their deceiver will be thrown

into the pool of fire and sulfur,

where the beast and fake prophet also are.

They will be tormented day and night

in the age of ages.

Y’notice this battle—properly a siege, not a battle—takes place on a plain in verse 9, so here’s where some preachers point to a “plain of Megiddo.” But verse 9 also says the army is encircling “the beloved city,” which is likely Jerusalem, which is 106km away from Megiddo. You could create a massive circle that encompasses both cities, especially since this is supposedly a massive army, but I think it logistically unsound and unlikely—even though this is an apocalyptic vision and not literal. In any event God easily vanquishes this army too, and Satan goes into the burning lake, and that’s the end of it. Finally.

Interpreting Armageddon.

Popular culture has tweaked this idea of Armageddon into the final battle of humanity, in which we’re slaughtering each other for some reason, just like we did in the world wars. Then, either before or after the nukes start going off, Jesus shows up to put a stop to it, and take all the good people to heaven. No, this scenario doesn’t look anything like what Revelation has in it, but people don’t read Revelation, so it stands to reason.

So you’ve read my translation of the battles; feel free to check ’em out in other translations, but you get the gist. Neither of them look like any conflict we’ve seen in human history. Nor any conflict we’re likely to see. No matter how good our missiles get at raining fire on our enemies. They show up to fight Jesus; he defeats them immediately. Why would a battle with the Almighty take any time at all?

I’m preterist, so I interpret the bulk of Revelation as stuff which already happened in the past. Very little is yet to come; basically it’ll be the second coming, the millennium, and New Jerusalem. These battles appear to be part of the second coming, which means Christ Jesus will personally be part of them. Not any earthly human government as his proxy. Not Israel, not the United States, not NATO, not Russia, not China; nobody represents Jesus but Jesus. Maybe the white-clad cavalry coming out of the clouds with him, but they pretty much stand back and let Jesus do his thing.

The kings in Revelation 16 may be part of these battles… and may not be. “Kings” represent rulers. Namely whatever governments or corporations or political bodies which are involved in this; John didn’t really have a word for them in his day, so “kings” will do. He refers to them as “kings of the eastern sun” (KJV “kings of the east”), suggesting they’re east of the Roman Empire. Of course today’s prognosticators aren’t particular where any of these kings come from. Any country they don’t like, will do. Plus any country they do like, which they presume will be fighting ’em, and be victorious, ’cause they imagine these countries fight for God.

Nevermind the obvious fact Jesus is going to overthrow all kings at his second coming. Including any kings we like. And all these kings, our favorites included, are called to war by demons sent by the dragon, beast, and fake prophet. None of these kings are good guys. None. If the United States and Israel are among them, they’ll be bad guys too. They, like the other kings, would’ve likewise been sent by the devil and its imps. There are no “good guys” but Jesus; he’s the one they’ve come to fight, and he, not they, will win.

If your favorite End Times prognosticator is spinning the “battle of Armageddon” in any way which makes a good guy out of any of the earthly “kings” in the war, they’re reading their bibles wrong. Likely for partisan reasons. Contrary to Jesus’s statement, “Blessed are the peacemakers,” Mt 5.9 they support war; they support any wannabe kings who promote war; they think it’s somehow patriotic to support war, and would rather take the side of murderous warmongers instead of the Lord of Lords. And they’ll answer to Jesus for that.