TXAB: The Christ Almighty Blog

Matthew 13.24-30, 13.36-43. Presenting another of Jesus’s parables about agriculture. It appears nowhere but Matthew , and it happens right after the Four Seeds Story. Mt 13.18-23 Historically Christians have considered it a parable of the End Times. Matthew 13.24-30 KWL 24 Jesus presents another parable to them, telling them, “Heaven’s kingdom compares to a person planting a good seed in his field. 25 As the person sleeps his enemy comes, plants weeds in the middle of the grain, and goes away. 26 When the stalks sprout and produce fruit, the weeds also appear. 27 The householder’s slaves, approaching, tell him, ‘Master, you plant good seed in your field, right ? So where have these weeds come from?’ 28 The master tells them, ‘A person—an enemy —did this.’ The slaves tell him, ‘So do you want us to go out and pluck them?’ 29 The master says, ‘No, lest plucking the weeds uproots the grain with them. 30 Leave them all to grow together till the harvest.

1 Thessalonians 5.6-11. In the original text of 1 Thessalonians it was all one continuous stream. No punctuation, no sentences, no paragraphs. We had to figure these things out by their context. The sentences are easy enough to figure out, but naturally Christians are gonna disagree on the rest. Hence different Greek New Testaments disagree on where the paragraph breaks should go… and since I’ve been writing about this book a paragraph at a time, y’might notice I’m not precisely following any one GNT. Textus Receptus and United Bible Societies’ edition: One big paragraph from 1-11. Nestle-Aland: One big paragraph, but they capitalize the first word in the sentences which they think might be the start of a new subject, and therefore are debatably new paragraphs. Tyndale House: Four paragraphs. 1-3, 4-5, 6-10, and 11 by itself. The Jehovah’s Witnesses’ Emphatic Diaglott has 1-4, and 5 all the way to the end of the chapter. But I don’t think its focus was on proper paragr

1 Thessalonians 5.1-5. Since Paul, Silas, and Timothy just finished writing about the rapture at Jesus’s second coming in the previous paragraph, Christians read today’s paragraph (or paragraphs; the Tyndale House Greek New Testament is pretty sure this is two) as if they’re still talking about it. And they kinda are. Because the apostles didn’t know when Jesus is returning—none of us do!—and for all they knew, the next big disaster might end with the second coming. Which might still be true. You don’t know. Neither do I. All we know is Jesus can return at any time. Which the Thessalonians shoulda learned fairly quickly after they first followed Jesus. The apostles even write they’ve known it perfectly well. 1Th 5.2 When he returns, it won’t be predictable—no matter how often “prophecy scholars” try to predict it. It won’t be at a time we expect—no matter how often “prophecy scholars” say we should definitely expect it. It comes like a thief at night, and as Jesus said,

IMMEDIACY ɪ'mi.di.ə.si noun. Bringing one into direct, instant involvement with something. (Usually including a sense of urgency or excitement.) 2. Christian doctrine that Christ Jesus may return at any time. [Immediacist ɪ'mi.di.ə.sɪst adjective. ] I don’t know when Jesus will return. Neither do you. Neither does anyone. Neither did Jesus, Mk 13.32 although some Christians are mighty sure he found out once he ascended to heaven. And occasionally some nutjob will claim the Father told them when it’s gonna happen, and use the occasion to whip gullible Christians into a frenzy; maybe get ’em to join their death cult or something. All of them have been, and will be, lying. Because Jesus said that info is none of our business. Acts 1.6-7 KJV 6 When they therefore were come together, [the students] asked of him, saying, Lord, wilt thou at this time restore again the kingdom to Israel? 7 And he said unto them, It is not for you to know the times or the seaso

Years ago at a prayer meeting, I let slip I believe there’s a rapture —’cause it’s in the bible; duh—but I don’t believe it takes place before the seven-year tribulation. Nor in the middle of it. It’s part of the second coming; it’s when Jesus returns to take possession of his world, when we Christians join his procession. And some of these folks reacted as if I’d just grown a second head. It’s understandable. They grew up in churches which taught a pretrib rapture —that before the world is thrown into misery, with the Beast running amok, evil having a field day, and Christians getting persecuted and slaughtered, Jesus whisks us away so we needn’t live through any of it. I grew up in such churches too. I’d heard it all my life. And if you have—and never bothered to ask, “Where in the bible does it say so?”—you’re gonna take the idea as a given. In fact you’re gonna love the idea: Before tribulation, before all the really bad stuff happens, Jesus gets us out of here! It’s

From the first chapter of Left Behind , the 1995 End Times novel by Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins. “People are missing,” she managed in a whisper, burying her head in his chest. He took her shoulders and tried to push her back, but she fought to stay close. “What do you m—?” She was sobbing now, her body out of control. “A whole bunch of people, just gone!” “Hattie, this is a big plane. They’ve wandered to the lavs or—” She pulled his head down so she could speak directly into his ear. Despite her weeping, she was plainly fighting to make herself understood. “I’ve been everywhere. I’m telling you, dozens of people are missing.” “Hattie, it’s still dark. We’ll find—” “I’m not crazy! See for yourself! All over the plane, people have disappeared.” “It’s a joke. They’re hiding, trying to—” “Ray! Their shoes, their socks, their clothes, everything was left behind. These people are gone!” They’ve already made two silly movies based on this book. Both depict this ch

1 Thessalonians 4.15-18. RAPTURE 'ræp.tʃər noun. Feeling of intense pleasure or joy. 2. Capture: The act of seizing and carrying off. 3. The transporting of Christian believers to meet with Christ Jesus [or, to heaven] at his second coming. 4. [ verb. ] Seizing and carrying off. 5. [ verb. ] To be taken up [to heaven] to meet with Christ. A number of Christians don’t believe in the rapture —when the Son of Man appears in the clouds, and his followers meet him in midair. As is taught in today’s passage of scripture, in 1 Thessalonians 4. Yeah, it’s in the bible, but they still don’t believe in it; they don’t take this passage literally. Nor do they interpret it in any way where it loosely represents what’s gonna happen in future. They simply don’t believe in it. Largely because their churches don’t teach it. Their favorite preachers proclaim an End Times scenario which doesn’t include any rapture. The End of Days theory, fr’instance: The world ends, or we o

1 Thessalonians 3.11-13. If you read 1 Thessalonians 3 in its entirety—and maybe read the whole book like the letter it is, instead of breaking it up into paragraphs, then analyzing the crap out of each paragraph, much like preachers in a sermon series, or me in these articles—you notice how Paul, Silas, and Timothy went on and on and on about how they missed the Thessalonians, fretted about the Thessalonians, wanted so very badly to visit the Thessalonians (well not so much Timothy; he was just there), and were thrilled to pieces about how well the Thessalonians were doing. So in today’s paragraph, they finally wrap all that up. 1 Thessalonians 3.11-13 KWL 11 God himself, and our Father, and our Master Jesus, has hopefully directed our path to you. 12 The Master hopefully provided more than enough for you, in love for one another and for all, just as we also have for you. 13 All to strengthen your blameless minds in holiness before God our Father. Namely at t

Revelation 12. One of the popular myths about the devil is how Satan used to be an angel. Not that it pretends to be one, 2Co 11.14 but straight-up was one—the mightiest angel in the heavens, named Lucifer. Got deposed, but it used to be a big, big deal. I’ve challenged many a Christian to actually read their bibles and prove any of this theory from scripture. And I gotta give ’em credit; they do try. But they don’t succeed. It says nowhere in the scriptures Satan used to be an angel. Doesn’t even say Satan was a heavenly being; we just presume so because Satan appeared before God in Job , and we’re kinda assuming they were all in heaven, or thereabouts, at the time. ( Job never says where they were.) Satan’s species is never once identified. Given Satan’s reputation as a liar, Jn 8.44 I’m mighty suspicious about any stories about its origin, like the Lucifer story, which try to make Satan look like it was a big deal at one time. Or still is. During Jesus’s temp

Matthew 13.24-30, 13.36-43 Elsewhere in Matthew Jesus tells a story often called the Parable of the Wheat and Tares, from the word tares used in the King James Version to translate ζιζάνια / zidzánia , “darnel.” It’s a specific weed, Lolium temulentum , frequently called “false wheat.” In ancient times darnel was constantly found in wheat fields. Some darnel always got mixed up with the wheat during the harvest, and it wasn’t until we invented separating machines that people finally got the darnel problem under control. Darnel looks just like wheat when it’s growing… but once the ears appear, any farmer will realize it’s not wheat at all. When they ripen, wheat turns brown and darnel turns black. If it’s harmless, why did the ancients make a big deal about darnel? Because darnel is very susceptible to Neotyphodium funguses, and if you ate any infected darnel, the symptoms were nausea and a little drunkenness. (The temulentum in darnel’s scientific name means “drunk.”)

Matthew 25.31-46. The next story in Jesus’s Olivet Discourse, where he taught his students about the End Times, is usually called the Parable of the Sheep and the Goats. It all comes from verses 32-33, in which Jesus compares the division of humanity into camps of righteous and reprobate, like a shepherd segregating his flock by species: Lambs on one side, kids on the other. One group to get shorn, one to get milked. Or in this case, one group to go one way, the other to go another. This story terrifies legalists. Because outside the proper context of God’s grace, it looks like you get into God’s kingdom entirely on merit . You do for Jesus—or, as Jesus puts it, you do for the very lowest of the people he identifies with, which is all the same to him—and you inherit his kingdom. Or you don’t, so you go to hell. So get cracking! Start feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, reforming the prison and healthcare system, and otherwise fixing society! Wait, is that what legali

Matthew 25.13-30. Nowadays when we say talent we mean a special ability; something one can do which most others can’t. The word evolved to mean that, but in ancient Greek a τάλαντον / tálanton meant either a moneychanger’s scale, or the maximum weight you put on that scale. Usually of silver. Sometimes gold… but if the text doesn’t say which metal they’re weighing, just assume it’s silver. Talents varied from nation to nation, province to province. When Jesus spoke of talents, he meant the Babylonian talent (Hebrew כִּכָּר / khikhár , which literally means “loaf,” i.e. a big slab of silver). That’d be 30.2 kilograms, or 66.56 pounds. Jews actually had two talents: A “light talent,” the usual talent; and a “heavy talent” or “royal talent” which weighed twice as much. But again: Unless the text says it’s the heavy talent, assume it’s the light one. And of course the Greeks and Romans had their own talents: The Roman was 32.3 kilos and the Greek was 26. Using 2020 silver rate

Matthew 6.9-10. The Lord’s Prayer in Matthew begins with πάτερ ἡμῶν ὁ ἐν τοῖς οὐρανοῖς / páter imón o en toís uranoís , “our Father who’s [located] in the heavens,” Mt 6.9 ’cause we’re addressing—duh—our heavenly Father. Matthew 6.9 KWL “So pray like this: Our Father who ’s in the heavens! Sanctify your name.” Some Christians wanna make it particularly clear which god we’re praying to. Partly because some of ’em actually think they might accidentally invoke the wrong god (and y’know, if they’re Mammonists or some other type of idolater, they might). Sometimes because they’re showing off to pagans that they worship the Father of Jesus, or some other form of hypocrisy. But Jesus would have us keep it simple: Just address our heavenly Father. There’s no special formula for addressing him; no secret password we’ve gotta say; even “in Jesus’s name” isn’t a magic spell —and you notice “in Jesus’s name” isn’t in the Lord’s Prayer either. You know who he is; he know

In Revelation John was given an apocalyptic vision of two animals. The first is a leopard with bear paws, seven heads, and 10 horns; and it fights the saints and gets the people of earth to worship it. Christian popular culture tends to call it the Beast, as the KJV translates θηρίον / thiríon ; or the Antichrist, ’cause too many of us speculate it’ll claim to be Christ. (Even though Revelation says no such thing. Go look.) The second animal has horns like a lamb, performs “miracles” in support of the first animal, and forces everyone to worship the first animal and its talking ikon. And this: Revelation 13.16-18 KWL 16 It made it so everyone—small and great, rich and poor, freemen and slaves— might give themselves a stamp on their right hand, or on their forehead. 17 Thus no one was able to buy nor sell unless they had the stamp: The first animal’s name, or the number of its name. 18 Here’s some wisdom: Those with a brain, calculate the animal’s number. It’s

At some future point, Jesus will return. Mt 24.42, Ac 1.11, 1Th 4.16-17, 2Th 2.1, Rv 22.20 Not maybe, not we really hope he might: Will. It’s in the creeds; it’s considered orthodox Christianity. Any self-described Christian who claims Jesus isn’t coming back, or who describes his return as metaphorical or “spiritual” (by which they mean imaginary) is heretic. Sorry, heretics. He’s literally returning. But even though Christians are unanimous in our belief “from [heaven] he will come to judge the living and the dead,” we’re not universal as to how it’ll happen. Jesus didn’t give us specifics. He gave us apocalypses , images which represent what God’s up to, but aren’t meant to be taken literally. (Not that some Christians don’t try.) His Olivet Discourse —the bit in the synoptic gospels where he talks about the End Times—and his revelations to John in Revelation are full of such apocalypses. Jesus told us what the End is like , but not what it is . The details are no

TRIBULATION tri.bu.la.tion noun. Great suffering. 2. The cause of great suffering. 3. An End Times period of suffering around the time of Jesus’s second coming. [Tribulational tri.bu.la.tion.al adjective. ] Tribulation is an old-timey word which, to many people and Evangelicals in particular, has to do with the End Times. Hence writers find it useful: You wanna talk about suffering, but wanna make it sound like really awful suffering, as bad as suffering can be? You call it tribulation. Thing is, when “tribulation” comes up in the King James Version, it means any and every kind of suffering. Not just the worst-case-ever kind of suffering. I mean it is used to describe that, Mt 24.21 but it’s used for all the other kinds. ’Cause suffering is part of the world we live in. John 16.33 KJV These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world. Life is sufferi