The Five Thousand try to crown Jesus.

John 6.14-15.

Right after Jesus and his students feed the 5,000 in the Galilee, this happens:

John 6.14-15 KWL

14So the people,

seeing the sign Jesus does,

are saying this:

“Truly, this is the Prophet

who comes into the world!”

15So Jesus,

knowing they are about to come and seize him

so that they might make him king,

goes back again into a mountain,

alone by himself.

The synoptic gospels also tell this story, but Mark and Matthew end it thisaway:

Mark 6.45 KJV

And straightway he constrained his disciples to get into the ship, and to go to the other side before unto Bethsaida, while he sent away the people.

Matthew 14.22 KJV

And straightway Jesus constrained his disciples to get into a ship, and to go before him unto the other side, while he sent the multitudes away.

Mark and Matthew don’t say why Jesus ordered his students to “straightway” (Greek εὐθέως/efthéos, “quickly”) get into the boat, but John certainly fills in that blank: The crowds believed the miracle of feeding an entire town’s worth of people with one boy’s lunch Jn 6.9 was a σημεῖον/simíon, a sign from God. In their bible, the last time somebody miraculously fed a massive crowd with bread was when Moses ben Amram led the newly-freed Hebrews into the wilderness, and the LORD fed ’em manna. And didn’t Moses say this?—

Deuteronomy 18.15-19 KJV

15The LORD thy God will raise up unto thee a Prophet from the midst of thee, of thy brethren, like unto me; unto him ye shall hearken; 16according to all that thou desiredst of the LORD thy God in Horeb in the day of the assembly, saying, Let me not hear again the voice of the LORD my God, neither let me see this great fire any more, that I die not. 17And the LORD said unto me, They have well spoken that which they have spoken. 18I will raise them up a Prophet from among their brethren, like unto thee, and will put my words in his mouth; and he shall speak unto them all that I shall command him. 19And it shall come to pass, that whosoever will not hearken unto my words which he shall speak in my name, I will require it of him.

The LORD goes on, describing a fake prophet in case anybody tries to pull a fast one on the Hebrews, Dt 18.20-22 and Christians really oughta memorize that passage, because many a fake prophet has successfully pulled some fast ones on us.

But even though people recognize (and are meant to recognize) the LORD is describing any prophet who steps up and says, “The LORD told me something,” Pharisees claimed this passage is also an End Times prophecy. At some point before the End, there’s gonna be a Prophet-Like-Moses who, just like Moses, is gonna rescue Israel from their enemies, take ’em back into the wilderness, and feed ’em manna.

Is Jesus this Prophet-Like-Moses? Yes he is. Simon Peter said so. Ac 3.20-26

Now, is he gonna do what Pharisees believed he’d do? Some of it. Definitely not all. Fr’instance he is gonna rescue Israel from its enemies… but he’s not taking Israel into the wilderness to feed ’em manna; there’s no need for that. Unless “feed them manna” is a metaphor for “teach them the word of God”—but again, there’s no need to take ’em into the wilderness for that.

In any event that’s the quandary Jesus now found himself in. Yes he’s the Prophet; no, he’s not gonna do that.

The five horsemen.

Revelation 6.1-8.

Someone asked me about the four horsemen of Revelation 6, and I had to correct her: “Five horsemen.”

She’d always heard there were four. There are, from the looks of it, four horses, which appear when the Lamb of God opens four different seals on his book of the End. But if you’re counting men—more accurately, man-shaped figures which represent various things—there are five. Check out the text:

Revelation 6.1-8 KWL

1I see when the Lamb opens one of the seven seals.

I hear one of the four Living Beings saying,

like the sound of thunder, “Come {and see}.”

2I see. And look: A white horse,

its rider having a bow.

He’s given a leafy crown,

and the victor comes forth so he might win.

3When the Lamb opens the second seal,

I hear the second Living Being saying, “Come {and see}.”

4Another horse, a red one, comes forth.

As for the rider upon it:

It’s given to him the charge

to take peace from the land,

so they will slaughter one another.

A great machete is given to him.

5When the Lamb opens the third seal,

I hear the third Living Being saying, “Come {and see}.”

I see. And look: A black horse,

its rider having scales in his hand.

6I hear something like a voice

in the middle of the four Living Beings, saying,

“A liter of wheat is a denarius.

Three liters of barley is a denarius.

You ought not be unfair with the oil and wine.”

7When the Lamb opens the fourth seal,

I hear the fourth Living Being saying, “Come {and see}.”

8I see. And look: A gray horse.

The name of the rider upon it is Death.

Afterlife is following behind him.

Power was given to them over a quarter of the land,

to destroy with sword, famine, death,

and by the wild animals of the land.

So the five horsemen are personifications of victory, war, inflation, death, and the afterlife (Greek ᾅδης/ádis, “Hades”).

Our Father who art in heaven.

Matthew 6.9-10.

In Matthew’s version of the Lord’s Prayer, it begins with Πάτερ ἡμῶν ὁ ἐν τοῖς οὐρανοῖς/Páter émon o en tois úranua, “our Father who’s [located] in the heavens,” Mt 6.9 ’cause we’re addressing—duh—our heavenly Father.

Matthew 6.9 KWL

“So pray like this yourselves²:

Our Father who’s in the heavens!

Sanctify your¹ name.”

Some Christians wanna make it particularly clear which god we’re praying to. Partly because some of ’em actually think they might accidentally invoke the wrong god (and y’know, if they’re Mammonists or some other type of idolater, they might). Sometimes because they’re showing off to pagans that they worship the Father of Jesus, or some other form of playacting. But Jesus would have us keep it simple: Just address our heavenly Father. There’s no special formula for addressing him; no secret password we’ve gotta say; even “in Jesus’s name” isn’t a magic spell—and you notice “in Jesus’s name” isn’t in the Lord’s Prayer either. You know who he is; he knows who he is; he knows what our relationship consists of; that’s fine.

As I said in the Lord’s Prayer article, Jesus isn’t the first to teach people God is our Father. Many a Pharisee prayer, and many Jewish prayers nowadays, address God as אָבִינוּ/avínu, “our Father”—like Avínu Malkéinu (“our Father, our king”), recited during fasts and the high holidays. If we have a relationship with him, and we should through Jesus, we should have no hesitation to approach him boldly. He 4.16 He loves us; he wants to be gracious to us; let’s feel free to talk with him about anything and everything.

Pan-millennialists: “It’ll all pan out in the End.”

Back in seminary, the school catalog listed an End Times class. I was really interested in taking it—for the obvious reason that I wanted to understand the End Times apocalypses better.

But in the three years I spent there, none of the professors ever bothered to teach it. So I had to research it myself. Borrowed a big pile of books from a guy in my church who’d gone to a different seminary—books which, thankfully, didn’t only come from one End Times worldview. Too many people who “study” the End Times are happy to buy every Hal Lindsey book, read nothing else (including the book of Revelation!), and consider themselves an expert.

Years later I discovered why the professors avoided that End Times class: I taught a Sunday school class at my church on the book of Revelation. Good Lord. It was like herding cats. Nobody wanted to study the text! They just wanted to talk about what they were “discerning” in the present-day news: This or that was happening in global politics, and it’s a sign of the times! Most had grown up reading the Hal Lindsey stuff, and simply could not bring themselves to stop quoting his theories about how the End Times timeline would unfold. I ended the class after we finally got through Jesus’s letters to the seven churches; Rv 2-3 I was so tired of listening to the small group’s members interrupting to talk about crackpottery.

Hey, End Times stuff provokes people! Especially fearful people, who are terrified the great tribulation is gonna get activated by their political opponents, and force ’em into building an End Times bunker and hiding. Not all of ’em fully trust that Jesus will rapture them before tribulation starts. (Nor should they.) So they listen to the most worried prognostications of popular End Times “prophecy scholars” so they can be prepared for every eventuality. Knowledge is power, right?

But then there are the people who don’t wanna study this stuff.

Who roll their eyes every time End Times passages get quoted or referenced or alluded to. Who intentionally skip church services when they find out the preacher’s gonna talk about Revelation or the back half of Daniel. Who think Hal Lindsey’s a fearmongering charlatan. (And not just because Hal Lindsey was very much a fearmongering charlatan.)

Ask these people whether the Christian Era is gonna end and Jesus is gonna return, and for the most part they’re gonna say yes. Because he is; it’s orthodox, credal Christianity to believe so, and they’re not heretics. They do believe Jesus is returning for the living and the dead. It’s just… whenever Christians discuss the End Times, fearful Christians take over the discussion, exactly like they took over my Revelation class, and suck all the joy and hope and grace out of it with their paranoia and revenge fantasies. They make it suck.

So what do these people believe about the End? Well they accept God’s in control… so it’ll all pan out.

More than one of them have jokingly told me they’re “pan-millennialists” for this reason. The End will happen when it happens, however it happens. Till it does, they’re not gonna fret about it. Some of ’em like to quote Jesus on the subject:

Acts 1.6-7 CSB

6So when they had come together, they asked him, “Lord, are you restoring the kingdom to Israel at this time?”

7He said to them, “It is not for you to know times or periods that the Father has set by his own authority.”

Jesus’s apostles figured now that Jesus had returned from the dead, it’s time for the End, right? Everybody gets resurrected at the End, and Jesus is the first person to get resurrected, so it’s the End, isn’t it? Messiah would free Israel from the Romans and take over the world, so it’s the millennium, right?

And Jesus’s response was, “You don’t need to know when that’ll happen,” then get raptured. Ac 1.9 He’s coming back, Ac 1.11 but still: You don’t need to know when that’ll happen.

So these folks don’t worry about it. The End will come when God decides it’s time. The End will unfold however God unfolds it. We needn’t panic, worry, agitate, or flinch at “signs of the times.” We just need to keep following Jesus.

Premillennialism: Jesus is gonna rule the world.

PREMILLENNIALISM 'pri.mɪ'lɛn.i.əl.ɪz.əm noun. Belief after Christ Jesus’s return, he and his saints will reign on earth a thousand years.

[Premillenarism 'pri.mɪ'lɛn.ər.ɪz.əm noun., premillennial 'pri.mɪ'lɛn.i.əl adjective.]

As I’ve written before, all my life I’ve been a part of Evangelical churches which taught premillennialism: They all believed when Jesus returns, it’s to literally set up God’s kingdom here on earth.

It’s a literal interpretation of Revelation 20:

Revelation 20.4-6 NRSVue

4Then I saw thrones, and those seated on them were given authority to judge. I also saw the souls of those who had been beheaded for their testimony to Jesus and for the word of God. They had not worshiped the beast or its image and had not received its brand on their foreheads or their hands. They came to life and reigned with Christ a thousand years. 5(The rest of the dead did not come to life until the thousand years were ended.) This is the first resurrection. 6Blessed and holy are those who share in the first resurrection. Over these the second death has no power, but they will be priests of God and of Christ, and they will reign with him a thousand years.

Since Revelation consists of apocalyptic visions which aren’t meant to be taken literally, most Christians don’t take this passage literally either, and are amillennial: They figure the millennium represents the Christian Era, i.e. right now, and Jesus and his saints kinda rule over it; then Jesus will end the world at his second coming, and off we go to New Heaven. Amillennialists say we premillennialists are claiming a metaphor is literally gonna happen. It’s like claiming when Jesus returns, a giant mustard tree has to grow in Jerusalem for the birds to nest under.

And I actually agree with them: We can’t interpret this passage as if this is how things are literally gonna happen. But we can interpret it—same as we interpret Revelation 21’s descriptions of the New Heaven and New Earth—as how things are sorta gonna be. Jesus conquers the world, Rv 19.11-16 takes out the Beast and his armies Rv 19.17-21 (whether you consider the Beast a specific political leader, or all the corrupt systems currently ruling the world), chains Satan and imprisons it in the Abyss, Rv 20.1-3 then resurrects his saints so they can serve Jesus, and Jesus rules the world. Rv 20.4-6 And since Jesus conquers the world before he personally takes over—and the world surely hasn’t been conquered by Christendom, much less Jesus—it stands to reason these are future events. Jesus’s millennial reign is not now. It’s later.

Oh, and it likely doesn’t last a literal millennium. The apostle John no doubt used that word to describe a significantly long time. But if it lasts 100 years, 1,000 years, 10,000 years, or Jesus is planning to rule this world till our sun finally goes nova, we Christians ought not be picky.

Postmillennialism: Conquering the world for Jesus.

POSTMILLENNIALISM 'poʊst.mɪ'lɛn.i.əl.ɪz.əm noun. Belief the second coming of Christ Jesus takes place after a thousand-year period of blessedness.

[Postmillenarism 'poʊst.mɪ'lɛn.ər.ɪz.əm noun, postmillennial 'poʊst.mɪ'lɛn.i.əl adjective.]

Most historical resources will tell you postmillennialism became the dominant way Protestants understood the End Times in the 1800s: We Christians were gonna evangelize the world! Roman Catholics would fire the pope, the Russians and Greeks would fire their patriarchs, the Turks would quit Islam, the Indians would quit Hinduism, the Jews would turn to Jesus. and everybody’d become Protestant. And once we’d done so, we’d enter the millennium.

Now, Christians of that era weren’t that naïve: All this stuff of course sounds extremely unlikely. It’d be a lot of work, and take years, to convince all these groups to become Christian. Centuries maybe; Congregationalist evangelist Jonathan Edwards, who promoted his belief in postmillennialism during the Great Awakening revival of the 1730s, figured it might not be achieved till the year 2000. It’d take an extraordinary work of the Holy Spirit—but, Edwards firmly held, it’ll happen. It’s inevitable.

And when it arrives, it’ll begin a thousand years of grace, peace, and prosperity. No more war, no more inhumanity towards one another; Christians will follow Jesus wholeheartedly, and work together to solve all humanity’s problems. With the Spirit’s help and power, we’ll the earth into a utopian paradise.

And then Jesus returns—and it’s the end of the world, and off we go to New Heaven.

This postmillennial worldview is why you’ll see a bevy of reform movements in the 1800s. Christians, spurred by their postmillennialist preachers, realized it was time to get started! Gotta ask ourselves, “What would Jesus do?” and do that. Gotta seek and save the lost. Gotta lay the groundwork for the new Christian world we’d help bring about. Gotta encourage the culture to get more Christian, more humanitarian, more righteous. Onward and upward!

Three things wrong with this description.

First and most obvious, Christianity historically teaches us Jesus can return at any time. But postmillennialism holds off that return for a thousand years after the millennium starts. So, because we obviously haven’t been working on it, if we can’t get the millennium started till the year 2265, Jesus isn’t returning till 3265. He’s a thousand-plus years away; not near.

Second, this particular postmillennial trend was largely an American Evangelical thing. Yes, there were Evangelicals outside the United States who were postmillennial… but more often they were amillennial, same as the Orthodox and Catholics. They figured the millennium of Revelation 20 represents the Christian Era, i.e. right now. Jesus is seated at the right hand of the Father, Ro 8.34 reigning right now. And when he returns, it’s to end history and the world, and take us to New Heaven. There’s no special utopian millennium coming; Jesus is coming. Again, he can return at any time, y’know.

Third, the people who not only held a postmillennial view, but promoted and pushed it really hard, weren’t only doing it to further the cause of Christ. Weren’t always primarily doing it for Christ Jesus either. A significant segment of their plans were—and still are—political.

’Cause if Jesus isn’t coming back to personally reign over the millennium… who’s gonna do that? Who’s gonna be in charge of the novus ordo seclorum? Well, Christians. Which Christians? Well… them; the postmillennial proclaimers. Or at least those fellow Christians who absolutely agree with them about how the new world order’s gonna be run.

What you’re regularly, invariably gonna find just beneath the surface of postmillennialism, is a political plan for a theocracy, a government by and for Christians. Not by and for every Christian; it’s gonna favor one particular branch, sect, or denomination of Christianity. If the leader of a particular postmillennial group is Baptist, it’s gonna look mighty Baptist. If he’s Catholic, very Catholic. If she’s Presbyterian, super Presbyterian. If he’s involved in the New Apostolic Reformation, it’s gonna be riddled with NAR teachings and terminology.

And if she’s a white nationalist, it’s gonna very much be that. Doesn’t matter that God’s kingdom is described in the scriptures as including “every kindred, and tongue, and people, and nation;” Rv 5.9 they figure those other peoples are gonna be conquered subjects, second-class citizens who get grudgingly included in their millennial kingdom, but certainly can’t be granted any real power within it. Like blacks in the United States during the Jim Crow era, or Indians under the British Empire.

Yeah, the dirty little secret of postmillennialism is the more we look at the way these folks plan to run the millennium, the less Christian it gets.

Amillennialism: You’re in the millennium right now.

AMILLENNIALISM 'eɪ.mɪ'lɛn.i.əl.ɪz.əm noun. Belief there will be no thousand-year reign of Christ Jesus and his saints on earth.

[Amillenarism 'eɪ.mɪ'lɛn.ər.ɪz.əm noun, amillennial 'eɪ.mɪ'lɛn.i.əl adjective.]

All my life I’ve attended Evangelical churches, and all these churches have been premillenial—they believe Jesus is coming back to rule the world. Some of them believe the Darbyist interpretation of the End Times, and some don’t; it all depends on how hard the pastor or church leadership wants to preach Darbyism. But all of ’em figure after Jesus comes back, the thousand years after that is gonna be a time where Jesus finally sets things right, and it’s gonna be awesome.

And it just dumbfounds my fellow churchgoers when I tell ’em most Christians don’t believe this. Usually because every Christian they know is premillennial; they don’t know anybody who believes otherwise.

They actually do, but they’re not aware they do. I’ve found amillennials usually don’t talk about the End Times. They talk about heaven. ’Cause that’s what they think Jesus is gonna do when he returns: He’s gonna destroy the world, then take us to heaven. Earth doesn’t get an extra thousand years to straighten up; humanity doesn’t get an extra thousand years to repent. This is the time for you to repent; the current era is your last chance. Jesus’s return is the end of history, the end of time, the end of the world.

2 Peter 3.8-13 NRSVue

8But do not ignore this one fact, beloved, that with the Lord one day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like one day. 9The Lord is not slow about his promise, as some think of slowness, but is patient with you, not wanting any to perish but all to come to repentance. 10But the day of the Lord will come like a thief, and then the heavens will pass away with a loud noise, and the elements will be destroyed with fire, and the earth and everything that is done on it will be disclosed.

11Since all these things are to be destroyed in this way, what sort of persons ought you to be in leading lives of holiness and godliness, 12waiting for and hastening the coming of the day of God, because of which the heavens will be set ablaze and destroyed and the elements will melt with fire? 13But, in accordance with his promise, we wait for new heavens and a new earth, where righteousness is at home.

Simon Peter’s description of the End does refer to a millennium—in verse 8 he says a millennium and a day are all the same to Jesus. Otherwise there’s nothing about a millennial reign. Jesus returns in the “day of the Lord,” and then boom, the heavens are gone, the elements burn up, and off we go with Jesus to New Heaven.

Like I said, most Christians believe this is how things’ll turn out. Roman Catholics, Orthodox, Ethiopians, most of the mainline churches, and even a number of the Evangelical churches: They don’t bother to make lessons or form doctrines about the millennium. Because it’s in Revelation, and Revelation is a bunch of apocalypses which aren’t meant to be interpreted literally. Any “prophecy scholars” who do so, are irresponsible scholars who have no idea what they’re doing. Forming doctrines based on apocalypses?—which Jesus deliberately obscures because they aren’t meant to be interpreted until they happen? That’s not biblical interpretation; that’s projecting your own paranoid fears upon the scriptures, and proclaiming that instead of God’s kingdom.

Whereas Peter wasn’t describing an apocalypse. He was telling his readers how things are definitely gonna unfold. Our Lord returns, boom, New Heaven.

Millennium: When Jesus rules the world.

MILLENNIUM mə'lɛ.ni.əm noun. Thousand years.

2. One of the thousand-year periods after Christ’s birth: The first millennium, the third millennium, etc.

3. Where one thousand-year period ends and another begins.

4. [theology] Christ Jesus’s reign on earth, represented in an apocalypse as a thousand-year age.

[Millennial mɪ'lɛ.ni.əl adjective.]

Whenever Christians talk about being “premillennial” or “amillenial,” no we’re not criticizing millennials, the kids born after the year 2000. We’re talking End Times theories. (We’ll use other terms to criticize millennials.)

The idea comes from Revelation. In one of its visions of Jesus’s second coming (oh, you didn’t know there are multiple visions of the second coming in Revelation? Y’oughta read it sometime), Jesus returns, brings us Christians back from the dead, throws Satan into the abyss for 10 centuries, and rules the world. At the end of that time, Satan gets out, starts a fight, Jesus ends it, judges the world, and ends the world—to be replaced by New Heaven/Earth.

Shall I quote the vision? Yeah, why not.

Revelation 20.1-10 NRSVue

1Then I saw an angel coming down from heaven, holding in his hand the key to the bottomless pit and a great chain. 2He seized the dragon, that ancient serpent, who is the devil and Satan, and bound him for a thousand years 3and threw him into the pit and locked and sealed it over him, so that he would deceive the nations no more, until the thousand years were ended. After that he must be let out for a little while.

4Then I saw thrones, and those seated on them were given authority to judge. I also saw the souls of those who had been beheaded for their testimony to Jesus and for the word of God. They had not worshiped the beast or its image and had not received its brand on their foreheads or their hands. They came to life and reigned with Christ a thousand years. 5(The rest of the dead did not come to life until the thousand years were ended.) This is the first resurrection. 6Blessed and holy are those who share in the first resurrection. Over these the second death has no power, but they will be priests of God and of Christ, and they will reign with him a thousand years.

7When the thousand years are ended, Satan will be released from his prison 8and will come out to deceive the nations at the four corners of the earth, Gog and Magog, in order to gather them for battle; they are as numerous as the sands of the sea. 9They marched up over the breadth of the earth and surrounded the camp of the saints and the beloved city. And fire came down from heaven and consumed them. 10And the devil who had deceived them was thrown into the lake of fire and sulfur, where the beast and the false prophet were, and they will be tormented day and night forever and ever.

At face value, it looks like Jesus is literally gonna reign over earth, as the human king of a political kingdom, for a literal thousand years. If Jesus returned in 1988 (he didn’t; I'm just picking a not-all-that-random example) it means the actual end of the world will take place in the year 2988. Mighty long time from now. But as resurrected Christians, who’ll no longer die, we’ll be alive to see it.

But bear in mind: This millennium is part of an apocalyptic vision. It’s not a literal millennium; apocalypses aren’t a literal anything. We honestly don’t know whether it represents a thousand-year stretch of time, a significantly long time-period, or just a significant time period of any length whatsoever.

Hence Christians have come up with various ideas of what it looks like, and generally I’m going over the main three. Handy-dandy chart time:

Three possible timelines of the future. That’ll make things clear as mud.

What’s America’s role in the End Times?

The bible, in entirety, was written before the middle east, Europe, Asia, and Africa knew the western hemisphere ever existed.

True, God knew it was there. But his apostles and prophets had no idea. And God didn’t see any point in informing them. It’s not like the Americas, nor any other yet-to-be-discovered islands in the world, were excluded from the scriptures’ various blanket statements about humanity. The LORD is God, and Jesus is King, of the whole earth. Known and unknown lands alike.

So North and South America—the Indian nations then, and the current nations now—aren’t in the bible. At all. Neither suggested nor alluded to in it.

I’m a citizen of the United States, loyal and patriotic. If you’re like me, or even just a big fan of all things American like so many of our resident aliens, I gotta break it to you: Other than the bits about “all the world,” our country doesn’t figure into End Times predictions whatsoever.

You’d be surprised (okay, if you’re American, you probably wouldn’t be) how many American End-Times prognosticators simply can’t abide that.

Blame American exceptionalism, the idea the United States is special, the greatest country in the world, the greatest country in history, and the related belief that Americans are smarter, more capable, more innovative, more talented, than the folks of any other nation. No offense to the people of other countries; that’s what we grew up hearing. We were told we grew up under more freedom that you, and if you had American-style freedom, maybe you’d do as well… but probably not, ’cause we’ve got other traits you lack. Like drive. And, to be honest, money.

We’ve been taught this exceptionalism all our lives. It’s a huge part of American-style civic idolatry. So yeah, this is a lot of the reason why we Americans behave as if we’re special: We’ve always been told we are. Even those of us who realize this is just patriotic propaganda… still kinda believe it. Look at our inventions. Our influence. All the Olympic medals we keep winning. True, maybe the reason we succeed so often is ’cause we think we’re destined to succeed, and other countries really oughta try American-style positive reinforcement like we do. On the other hand, there’s a lot of arrogance mixed up in it.

This attitude has trickled into our religion. Our End Times prognosticators figure the United States is special, doggone it, so we oughta fit in the End Times timeline somewhere. They’re not entirely sure where, but they shoehorn us pretty much anywhere they can get away with it.

Ascension: When Jesus took his throne.

This happened on Thursday, 15 May 33—if we figure Luke’s count of 40 days Ac 1.3 wasn’t a rough estimate, but a literal 40 days.

Acts 1.6-9 NRSVue

6So when they had come together, they asked him, “Lord, is this the time when you will restore the kingdom to Israel?” 7He replied, “It is not for you to know the times or periods that the Father has set by his own authority. 8But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.” 9When he had said this, as they were watching, he was lifted up, and a cloud took him out of their sight.

I usually translate ἐπήρθη/epírthi (KJV “he was taken up,” NRSV “he was lifted up”) as “he was raptured.” ’Cause that’s what happened. Jesus got raptured into heaven.

From there Jesus ascended (from the Latin ascendere, “to climb”) to the Father’s throne—to sit at his right hand, Ac 2.33, 7.55-56 both in service and in judgment. We figure Jesus’s ascension took place the very same day he was raptured, so that’s when Christians have historically celebrated it: 40 days after Easter, and 10 days before Pentecost Sunday.

Some of us only focus on Jesus’s rapture—“Yay, he’s in heaven now!” And yeah, there’s that. But the way more important thing is Jesus taking his throne. When we say our Lord reigns, you realize his reign began at some point. Wasn’t when he died, and defeated sin and death; wasn’t when he rose from the dead, and proved he defeated sin and death. It’s when he took his throne. It’s his ascension day. Which we observe today.

Universalism: Isn’t God gonna save everybody?

UNIVERSALIST ju.nə'vər.səl.əst adjective. Believing all humanity will (eventually) be saved.

Generally, pagans believe good people go to heaven, and bad people to hell. There’s a minority among them who believe there is no hell—not even for genocidal maniacs; everybody goes to the same afterlife, and if you’re a westerner that’d be heaven. There might be some karmic consequences to the afterlife, like you might find yourself in the suckier part of heaven; but it’s all heaven, so it’s not that bad.

The reason many pagans believe this, is because they believe the universe is benevolent, or believe God is love. Which he is! 1Jn 4.8 And he does love everyone; “for God so loved the world” Jn 3.16 and all that. So they figure a loving God would never throw people into hell, especially for something so minor as not believing in him—which is an honest mistake, most of the time. Hardly sound loving of God to toss someone into hell simply because they were born in a part of the world where they were never taught God properly, be it North Korea, Nepal, Mali, or Mississippi.

Now I agree God’s unlikely to smite people for honest mistakes. But I also seriously doubt the bulk of humanity’s mistakes are honest ones. Face it: Lots of us embrace our God-beliefs purely out of convenience, pragmatism, or selfishness. That Iranian who’s never gonna hear the gospel: He already wouldn’t listen to it if offered. If he honestly wanted to hear the gospel, it doesn’t matter what filters his nation puts on the internet; he’d track down Christians (there actually are some in Iran) and ask questions. Or Jesus might personally appear to him, as he does throughout Christian history, beginning with Paul. (No, that wasn’t just a one-time deal.)

Or that American whose parents raised her a militant atheist: No matter how skeptical and free-thinking she claims to be, she honestly doesn’t wanna challenge her parents’ claims, and examine whether there’s anything to this God stuff. If she did, the first miracle she experienced would shatter her atheism like a cinderblock through safety glass.

Honest mistakes are like Calvinism: People try to defend God’s sovereignty, go overboard, and wind up teaching God’s secretly evil. But if they’re honest mistakes, these people are nonetheless pursuing God despite their errors. And the Holy Spirit’s still producing love and patience and kindness in them, and still letting ’em into his kingdom. (Unless they’re only pursuing clever arguments, producing no fruit, and wind up some of those poor souls who’re mighty shocked Jesus doesn’t recognize ’em. Mt 7.23) The whole “honest mistakes” cop-out is a convenient excuse to ignore God, avoid obeying him, and dodge religion, church, and Christians.

It’s a risky little game they’re playing, for Christ Jesus says not everyone’s getting saved.

Matthew 7.21-23 GNT

21“Not everyone who calls out to me, ‘Lord! Lord!’ will enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Only those who actually do the will of my Father in heaven will enter. 22On judgment day many will say to me, ‘Lord! Lord! We prophesied in your name and cast out demons in your name and performed many miracles in your name.’ 23But I will reply, ‘I never knew you. Get away from me, you who break God’s laws.’”

That’s the people who really thought they were Christian. How much chance does the “honestly mistaken” nontheist have? Well, God is gracious, so we’ll see.

Though God absolutely does wants everyone saved, 1Ti 2.4 he knows full well many people want nothing to do with him. Nor his kingdom. They don’t want saving. Since God did create ’em with free will, he permits them to tell him no. He won’t force ’em into his kingdom. They don’t have to enter. But man alive are they gonna hate the alternative.

How long does hell last?

As I explained in my article “The four hells,” there are four words translated hell in the scriptures, and the one I mean by “hell” is Gehenna, the trash fire outside Jerusalem, reimagined in Revelation as a pool of fire and sulfur outside New Jerusalem. Rv 20.10-15 Into it go Satan and its angels, the Beast, the fake prophet who promotes the Beast, the personifications of Death and Hades (i.e. the afterlife), and everyone whose name isn’t listed in the life scroll—everyone who refused to accept God’s gracious offer ofhis kingdom.

The Beast and prophet are explicitly described as being “tortured there, day and night, age to ages.” Rv 20.10 Y’notice even though this lake is known as “the second death,” Rv 20.14 it doesn’t have a sense of finality like physical death. Generally death feels like an absolute stopping point—when you’re dead, you’re not alive, you’re not moving, you’re not breathing, you’re not thinking, you’re not anything; you’re dead. Whereas the second death sounds more like the beings sent into it aren’t inert, but moving, conscious… and suffering from eternal torment. Because they’re in fire. Everlasting fire, as the King James Version put it. Mt 25.41 KJV Where quite unlike the trash fires of the literal Gehenna, the worms don’t die, and the fire never goes out. Is 66.24, Mk 9.48

Yeah, I know: Certain dark Christians who love this idea of eternal conscious torment. That’s why it’s been the prevailing view throughout Christian history. Often because there are certain people they’d love to see tortured forever. Satan obviously, but a lot of them are thinking of certain political opponents—and I don’t necessarily mean government politicos, but anyone with whom they’ve struggled for power. Difficult neighbors. Workplace foes and cruel bosses. Church ladies who weren’t as Christlike as you’d expect. We all have people we don’t like. But… longing to see them burn forever? What is wrong with these people? Since God doesn’t wanna see anyone perish, 2Pe 3.9 and these people do, this sort of fleshly, fruitless gracelessness suggests these people don’t have any real relationship with God, much as they claim to. I don’t care what they call themselves.

The other reason they love the idea of eternal torment—a reason which is slightly more legit than t’other—is because they figure it’s a powerful motivator for getting people into God’s kingdom. If anyone’s on the fence about this idea of living under Jesus’s reign in peace and harmony (mainly ’cause the church is full of a--holes like me), Christians can point out the alternative: Outside the kingdom, it’s hot, stinky hell. You don’t wanna go to hell! We don’t want you there either; God doesn’t want you there either; why go there when you don’t have to? Don’t worry about the jerks in the church; Jesus’ll deal with them. Focus on Jesus. Turn to him. Let him save you.

The rest of us really don’t love the idea of eternal torment. Problem is, we don’t really see any way around it. That’s what Jesus describes in the scriptures. So that’s the reality we’re obligated to deal with: When people reject Jesus, that’s the destination they’ve effectively chosen. If people prefer a cosmetic relationship with Christianity over a living relationship with Jesus, that’s where they’re going.

It’s not like we can make up a reality we like better. (Although that’s certainly never stopped people from trying, has it?)

Which “hell” does the bible mean?

As I said in my article, “The four hells,” there are three ancient Greek words we tend to translate “hell.” (Plus one Hebrew word.) These three words mean three different things… and none of them mean the pop culture idea of hell which we find in movies, TV shows, and the “Hell House” and “Judgment Day” pageants which conservative Evangelicals like to host around Halloween. Satan’s not waiting for dead sinners in some otherworldly fiery pit, ready to throw them into the flames. Satan itself is getting thrown into the flames. But that comes much later.

Okay, but in the meanwhile, if your favorite bible translation insists, as many do, in translating all these four different words as “hell,” exactly which hell are they talking about? Glad you asked. Here’s my handy-dandy chart for determining which hell they mean.

The four hells.

C.S. Lewis famously wrote a book called The Four Loves, about four of the five Greek words which tend to be translated “love.” Two are in the New Testament—ἀγάπη/agápi and φίλος/fílos. Two aren’t; they’re in the Septuagint, and only teachers of classic literature like Lewis would know ’em; ἔρος/éros and στοργή/storyí. There’s another Greek word, ξενία/xenía, which has some related words in the Septuagint… but Lewis only cared to highlight the first four, talk about their differences in meaning, and riff from them about how people “love” in different ways.

People hear of this book and assume, “Wow, Greek is so precise and exact. It’s got four different words for love!” Yeah… but so do we. These five words can easily be translated charity, friendship, romance, affection, and courtesy. Plus check out any thesaurus; you’ll find we have way more than five words for love. English is just as precise as we want it be.

I say this by way of introduction: There are three ancient Greek words we tend to translate “hell.” Problem is—same as with “love”—translators won’t always bother to distinguish between them. Some bibles do, and good on ’em. But whether our bible translations do or don’t, it’s important Christians know there’s a difference.

’Cause I’ve discovered Christians have no idea there’s a difference. Nor that they’re describing different things. Nor that none of them describe popular culture’s idea of hell as a dark, torturous underworld for bad people.

I said there were three words, right? So why’d I title this article “The four hells”? Well the fourth hell is pop culture hell. I’m gonna deal with that idea first.

The implications of being the Son of Man.

John 5.24-29.

On occasion I’ll hear some Christian preacher claim that Jesus referring to God as “Father”—whether he’s talking about God as his Father, or God as our Father—was a wholly unique thing in history; that somehow the Jews had never before imagined God as their Father. It’s not true—

Deuteronomy 32.6 KJV

Do ye thus requite the LORD, O foolish people and unwise? is not he thy father that hath bought thee? hath he not made thee, and established thee?

Psalm 89.26 KJV

He shall cry unto me, Thou art my father, my God, and the rock of my salvation.

Isaiah 63.16 KJV

Doubtless thou art our father, though Abraham be ignorant of us, and Israel acknowledge us not: thou, O LORD, art our father, our redeemer; thy name is from everlasting.

Isaiah 64.8 KJV

But now, O LORD, thou art our father; we are the clay, and thou our potter; and we all are the work of thy hand.

Malachi 1.6 KJV

A son honoureth his father, and a servant his master: if then I be a father, where is mine honour? and if I be a master, where is my fear? saith the LORD of hosts unto you, O priests, that despise my name. And ye say, Wherein have we despised thy name?

—but man do preachers like to claim it.

Anyway, Jesus regularly refers to God as our Father, and specifically his Father… but whereas we humans are just creations and adoptive children of our heavenly Father, Jesus is something significantly different. He’s the Son of God. And no, not just “Son of God” in the sense we see in Psalm 2, where the king of Israel is especially adopted by God as his son, and therefore “Son of God” is just a royal title like Messiah. Nope; in the trinity there’s a Father and Son, and the Son became human, and that’s Jesus of Nazareth. He’s fully God same as his Father is fully God.

In John chapter 5, Jesus explains some of that idea. And it’s a doozy of an idea. Pretty sure it broke the brains of most of the Judeans he said it to. Because Jesus is making some pretty cosmic declarations about himself. He already said in the last bit the Father shows the Son everything he does, Jn 5.20 the Son’s gonna raise the dead, Jn 5.21 the Son’s gonna judge the world, Jn 5.22 and you’d better recognize the Son’s authority if you respect the Father. Jn 5.23

Oh, and at the End, the coming in the clouds of the Son of Man? Da 7.13 That’s Jesus. He’s the Son of Man. Did you not notice he constantly calls himself “the Son of Man”? He doesn’t do it to remind people he’s human; anybody who looked at him could tell he was human. He does it to remind people he’s that guy. The guy who does all this:

John 5.24-29 KWL

24 “Amen amen! I promise you the one who hears my word,

and trusts the One who sends me,

has life in the age to come

and doesn’t go into judgment.

Instead they passed from death into life.

25 Amen amen! I promise you the hour comes, and it’s now,

when the dead will hear God’s Son’s voice,

and those who will hear it, will live.

26 For just as the Father has life in himself,

likewise he gives life to the Son to have in himself.

27 The Father gives the Son power to make judgments,

because he’s the Son of Man.

28 Don’t be amazed by this, because the hour comes

in which everyone in the sepulchers

will hear the Son of Man’s voice

29 and come out—

those who do good, into resurrection life;

those who do little, into resurrection judgment.”

You realize this discussion started because some people got bent out of shape over Jesus curing the sick on sabbath. And people think I go off on tangents. Jesus went from, “My Father worketh hitherto, and I work” Jn 5.17 KJV to “Oh and just to remind you, I’m the Son of Man.”

It’s weird how various pagans will insist Jesus was only a great moral teacher and nothing more, when Jesus straight-up tells people he’s going to raise the dead, judge humanity, and rule the world. And people don’t dismiss him as a demonized madman and stone him to death, because he just cured a guy who was unable to walk for 38 years, and demonized guys can’t do that. The only ones who can do that, outside of hospitals, were empowered by God—and for all you know, might actually be the great End Times figure whose everlasting kingdom shall not be destroyed. Da 7.14

𝘛𝘩𝘦 Antichrist.

Whenever I write about antichrists, I of course mean people who are anti-Christ. They’re not just pagans who apathetically want nothing to do with Christ Jesus if they can help it; these folks actively oppose Christ and fight Christianity.

But when I write about antichrists, your average Evangelical gets confused. Because antichrist is a word they’re very familiar with… but they regularly define it wrong. They don’t mean just any individual who’s anti-Christ. They mean the Beast.

Θηρίον/Thiríon, “animal” or “beast,” is the word the apostle John used to describe various animals in the visions Jesus gave him in Revelation. There are multiple thiría in his visions, same as there are weird animals in Daniel and other biblical apocalypses. None of them are literal animals; they only represent a literal being. Like the lamb with seven horns and seven eyes who looks like he’s been killed. Rv 5.6 That’s Jesus, who doesn’t literally have seven horns and eyes in his heavenly form; he’s been human since 7BC. Likewise this Beast isn’t literally as John described him below. (My translation. The dragon, by the way, is Satan. Rv 12.9)

Revelation 13.1-10 KWL

1I see a Beast rising up from the sea,

which has 10 horns and seven heads,

and on its horns, 10 diadems;

and on its heads, slanderous names.

2The Beast I see is like a panther;

its feet like a bear’s,

its mouth like a lion’s mouth.

The dragon gives it its power,

its throne, and great ability.

3One of the Beast’s heads is as if maimed to death,

and its deadly wound is cured.

The whole world admires the Beast,

4and worships the dragon which gives its ability to the Beast,

and worships the Beast, saying,

“Is anyone like the Beast?”

and “Is anyone able to fight it?”

5A mouth is given to the Beast

to speak great and slanderous things,

and it’s given power to do things

for 42 months.

6The Beast opens its mouth to slander God,

to slander his name and his tabernacle

—the one in heaven he encamps in—

7and the Beast is allowed

to make war with the saints and conquer us.

It’s given ability over every tribe,

people, language, and ethnicity.

8Everyone who dwells on earth will worship it—

everyone whose name wasn’t written

when the world was founded

in the life-book of the Lamb who was slain.

9If one has an ear, hear:

10If one is going into captivity,

they’re going into captivity.

If one is going to be stabbed to death,

they’re getting stabbed to death.

So should be the endurance and trust of the saints.

John then describes a Second Beast which gets everyone to worship both this first Beast, and an εἰκόνα/eikóna, “ikon,” of the first Beast; Rv 13.13-15 and forbids trade among everyone who isn’t personally marked with the Beast’s name or number. Rv 13.16-17 And so many people are fixated on the number, 666, I gave it its own article.

Zechariah’s prophecy “about the Israel-Hamas War.”

Zechariah 12.

After the Israel-Hamas War began on 7 October 2023, this highlighted bit of Zechariah started making the rounds on social media, usually captioned, “This is going to happen very soon. Watch.”

From the 1971 edition of The Living Bible.

Memes like this are very popular with people who worry about the End Times, who want to know when it’s time to start buying the food buckets and guns for their bunkers.

The way Darbyist “prophecy scholars” interpret the End Times, every time they come across a passage of scripture which appears to be about anything in their End Times Timeline, they immediately declare that’s precisely what it is. God said it, and his prophets recorded it, not for the people of their day; not for the ancient Israelis of millennia ago. Oh they might’ve thought it was for them, but they were just illiterate foreigners who lived in mud huts without electricity and science, and didn’t even speak English—it’s for us, for the people of our day, for God’s actual chosen people.

The actual context of the scripture doesn’t matter. It only means what we want it to mean. It shall accomplish that which we please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto we sent it. As for what God meant by it?… well surely he thinks like we do.

Yeah, it’s pretty darned arrogant of these interpreters. But they’re so desperate to find End Times puzzle pieces in the bible which fit into their timelines—however awkwardly—they’re often not even aware what they’re doing. It’s like a child who’s so intent on drawing the perfect picture of a unicorn… she doesn’t realize she’s using permanent markers on the penboard. Or, really, care. Rebuke her for it, and she’ll wonder what all the fuss is about—it’s such a good picture! Why should you want to erase it?

So, Zechariah 12. What’s it historically about? Glad you asked. Let’s take a look at it.

Those accused of heresy for their End Times views.

That’d include me.

My view of the End Times is preterist—meaning most of the prophecies in Daniel, Revelation, and the Olivet Discourse were fulfilled by the second century of the Christian Era. Obviously Jesus has yet to return, the millennium hasn’t yet started, and New Heaven and New Earth have not yet replaced the current heavens and earth. So not everything has been fulfilled; duh. But just about everything else has.

And when I tell certain Christians this, they’re horrified. Horrified. It’s like I sprouted horns and a tail right in front of ’em, and suddenly I have a pitchfork in my hand, and the flames of hell burst forth behind me as I laugh evilly.

’Cause somehow it got in their heads that if you believe any differently than they about the End Times—or believe any variant other than “premillennial dispensationalism”—generally meaning the various Darbyist End Times timelines proposed by Hal Lindsey, Tim LaHaye, John Hagee, or your favorite prognosticating TV and internet preachers—you don’t believe the bible. Because all their beliefs come from bible. True, they had to massage, finesse, tweak, ditch the historical context, overlay a whole new context, bend, fold, spindle, and mutilate it till it finally means what their favorite “prophecy scholars” insist it means.

Interpreting it in its actual interpretive context, like I do… well their “prophecy scholars” have regularly told them any systems of interpretation other than theirs, are flat-out wrong. They’ve never even heard of “apocalyptic literature,” or think “apocalypse” only means “the very End.” And if they haven’t heard of it, surely it must be wrong. Surely I must be wrong.

And if I’m teaching people wrongly about the End Times… well that’s just extra wrong, in their minds. Why, I might convince people to not watch out for evil. To ignore all the signs of the times. To dismiss the Beast when he finally appears; maybe even convince people to follow him! To not look for Jesus’s second coming, like we’re supposed to.

In short, they think I’m heretic. Worse—that I’m deliberately interpreting bible wrong, deliberately leading people astray, deliberately working for the devil. They think I’m going to hell. When I tell ’em I’m preterist, some of them physically back away, as if at any second the fire and sulfur will fall from heaven to consume me, and maybe scorch them a little if they’re too close.

Their favorite “prophecy scholars” don’t discourage this attitude and behavior at all. They kinda share it. They’re entirely sure they’re right and every non-Darbyist is wrong; they’re helping lead people to Jesus, and every non-Darbyist is hindering, and that’s as good as following Satan.

Okay. Lemme first of all remind you heretic is simply the opposite of “orthodox.” There are certain non-negotiable things every Christian oughta believe. We oughta believe in God; we oughta follow Jesus; we oughta believe he’s alive not dead; we oughta believe he’s returning. These basics are spelled out in the creeds. Some churches add to the creeds, but no churches should be taking doctrines away from them. And the creeds expect us to only believe the following five things about the End:

• Jesus is coming again in glory.
• There’s a bodily resurrection of the dead.
• Jesus will judge the living and the dead.
• There’s eternal life in the world to come.
• Jesus’s kingdom will have no end.

Those are non-negotiable. Everything else is negotiable.

But, like I said, plenty of Darbyists are entirely sure their beliefs are just as non-negotiable as the creedal, orthodox stuff. And if you don’t believe as they do, you’re not Christian, and going to hell.

Yep, they think I’m going to hell. And if I convince you Darbyism is all wet, they think I’m dragging you to hell with me.

Heavens!

HEAVEN 'hɛ.vən noun. The dwelling place of God, his angels, and debatably good humans after they die. Traditionally depicted as above the sky.

2. A euphemism for God himself. [“Sin displeases heaven.”]

3. The sky, perceived as a vault containing the sun, moon, planets, and stars.

4. A place of bliss. [“This is heaven!”]

5. Short for the kingdom of heaven, i.e. God’s kingdom.

6. The state of being in God’s presence, namely after death.

[Heavenly 'hɛv.ən.li adjective.]

As you can see, there are multiple definitions of our word “heaven.” But when Christians talk about heaven, we mean the dwelling place of God. Right?

Not really. In fact not usually.

In my experience, when Christians talk about heaven, we’re actually talking about the kingdom of heaven. In other words, God’s kingdom. Which is meant to happen here on earth. We Christians are supposed to be already living like it’s here—and when Jesus returns, he’ll fully set it up and run it. But too often Christians act like this kingdom does not happen on earth, and never will: It’ll happen in heaven. In the future. After we die. When we do stuff in heaven, “heaven” is always way later. Or we describe the stuff we’ll be doing in New Jerusalem… which is actually in New Heaven, which is not even the same heaven the scriptures typically mean.

I listed six definitions of heaven. No, I’m not gonna therefore say there are six heavens, like C.S. Lewis did when he wrote about four loves. There are likely more definitions of heaven than even that.

But there are Christians who claim there are multiple heavens. Not just the current heaven, and the New Heaven of Revelation 21. There’s the seven heavens of Dante Alighieri’s Paradisio, the 10 heavens of the Pharisees, and the three heavens which you’ll hear Evangelicals talk about ’cause they’ve neither read Paradisio nor 1 Enoch.

Confused yet? Maybe a little. Hope not. Let’s start with the bible’s descriptions of the heavens.

The Dives and Lazarus Story.

Luke 16.19-31.

This story is often called the Story of the Rich Man and Lazarus, or Lazarus and the Rich Man, depending on who oughta come first. Since it’s actually not about Lazarus, stands to reason the rich man should come first. Traditionally this man’s been called Dives (usually pronounced 'daɪ.viz instead of like the verb) ’cause that’s what he’s called in verse 19 in the Vulgate; dives is Latin for “rich.” So I’m gonna call him Dives; it saves time.

Every once in a while some literalist insists this story is not a parable. This is the only story where Jesus refers to someone by name—so they figure this must mean something, and claim Jesus is straight-up talking about a real-life guy named Lazarus, who lived in first-century Israel. Some of ’em even claim the Lazarus of this story is Lazarus of Bethany, Jesus’s personal friend whom he later raised from the dead, Jn 11.1-44 and this is how Lazarus died. Which makes no sense, because Lazarus’s family asked Jesus to come cure him; they didn’t just dump Lazarus at Dives’s door, hoping this idle rich guy might uncharacteristically do something charitable.

On the other extreme, we have people who insist this story is pure fiction. Primarily because they have very different beliefs about afterlife. Jesus, they insist, is not accurately describing what happens when people die. We go to heaven. Or hell. Some insist we’re immediately resurrected and live in New Jerusalem from now on; others claim we live in some glorified spiritual form while we await the Resurrection. Hindus and Buddhists believe we get reincarnated, and of course pagans and Mormons believe we become angels.

In some cases, the Christians who insist Jesus isn’t accurately describing afterlife are dispensationalists who believe this used to be the way afterlife worked—maybe—but not anymore. There’s a popular Christian myth called “the harrowing of hell,” which says before Jesus died to atone for our sins, God saved nobody by his grace—therefore nobody but the most saintly people ever, like Job or Abraham (and here, Lazarus), could make it to paradise. Nobody had the karma! So they were forced to wait in hell till Jesus died. Once he died, Jesus went to hell, same as them… but with keys! He unlocked the gates, stepped on gatekeeper devil Belial’s neck, freed all the Old Testament saints, and took ’em with him to heaven. And now, nobody experiences anything like Jesus describes in this story. Christians go to heaven.

Considering that God isn’t limited by time whatsoever, it makes no sense that he can’t apply Jesus’s then-future atonement to the sins of the people who existed before Jesus. In fact there’s every indication he did: Their sins, which were many, never hindered him with instigating relationships with them!

Nah, both the literalists and the myth-believers have it wrong. This story is a parable. Lazarus isn’t a literal guy. But this is, loosely, what the afterlife looks like. Then, and now. And it’s meant as a warning to those of us who are wealthy, but don’t bother to use our wealth to further God’s kingdom. If all we care about is our own comfort, we may not experience any such comfort in the afterlife. Billionaires beware.

Luke 16.19-31 KWL

19 “Somebody is wealthy.

He’s wearing purple and white linen, partying daily, in luxury.

20 Some pauper named Lazarus was thrown out by the plutocrat’s gate,

covered in open sores,

21 desiring to be fed with whatever fell from the plutocrat’s table,

but the dogs which came are licking his sores.

22 The pauper comes to die,

to be carried off by the angels to Abraham’s fold.

The plutocrat also dies and is entombed.

23 In the afterlife, the plutocrat lifts up his eyes—

he’s getting tortured in the pit—

and sees Abraham far away,

and Lazarus in his folds.

24 Calling out, the plutocrat says, ‘Father Abraham!

Have mercy on me and send Lazarus,

so he might dip his fingertip in water, and might cool my tongue,

because I suffer great pain in these flames!’

25 Abraham says, ‘Child, remember:

You received your good things in your life,

and Lazarus likewise received evil.

Now, here, he is assisted—

and you suffer.

26 In all this space between us and you, a large gap was fixed

so those who want to come to you from here, can’t.

Nor can they pass from there to us.’

27 The plutocrat says, ‘Then I ask you, father,

might you send Lazarus to my father’s house?

28 For I have five siblings—so Lazarus might urge them,

lest they also come to this place in the pit.’

29 Abraham says, ‘They have Moses and the Prophets. Heed them.’

30 The plutocrat says, ‘No, father Abraham!

But if anyone comes back from the dead to them, they’ll repent!’

31 Abraham tells him, ‘If they don’t heed Moses and the Prophets,

neither will they be convinced when someone rises from the dead.’ ”